The End

Dear Missy Natasha,

I have to say farewell.

Farewell to all the feelings I kept for you all these while.

Farewell to all the dreams, thoughts and desires that resides in me previously.

For I have finally met someone.

Someone who allows me to love her.

Someone who loves me back.

Adieu,
AYNatasha.

Dear Missy Natasha,

It's been quite some time since I've updated this "sad case scenario" blog o'mine.

I dreamed of you sometime last week.

I dreamt of you holding my hand as we descended down an escalator somewhere.

You were smiling to me, genuinely.

Then, a few days later I dreamt about you again.

I was at your home, I was talking with you, whilst your mum was sitting beside you, and everyone was in a happy mood.

Dreams...what I can afford, dreams.

I'm losing hope, I'm losing strength.

...and I have yet to do anything about it!

I don't know, but one thing about me, I am scared of losing.

Especially losing something I really want.

In this case, I want you.

I want you to be mine.

But, alas. I know that you don't want to be mine.

I know that I'm not worth it.

Sad, eh?

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Would You?

Dear Missy Natasha,

I want to be like you.

I want to be successful in whatever endeavour I go for.

I want to be a good Muslim.

Can you teach me how to be a devout Muslim?

At least teach me how to pray 5 times a day?

Ashamed?

Yes I am.

But why should I be ashamed when I'm seeking knowledge to be a better Muslim?

I hope you will not decline my request.

I hope you will assist me, and teach me to your best abilities for me to be a devout Muslim.

Only then, will you see, that I am willing to lose my pride to you, by asking you with this.

Only then, will you trust me, as a man capable enough to be your only man.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Now I Understand How You Felt

Dear Missy Natasha,

Now I can see clearly.

Now I can see, just how lowly I am, compared to you.

Now I can understand, how heartbroken you were years ago.

Am I too late? Perhaps so.

Why did I woke up too late? I don't have the answer to that question.

Have I changed? Yes, I do have the answer for this question.

Slowly, revolutionizing myself to be better in every way.

Spiritually, mentally, physically, wholly.

It'll take some time, but I've already started to take the steps towards the end of the tunnel.

Whre the light is shining brightly.

Baby steps, some people call it.

But I'm moving on.

Sadly, I always think of the worst in anything that I venture into.

This attitude of mine will always conjure up the images and thoughts, that scares me the most.

Because of that, I am now scared.

My fingers are shaking.

My heart is beating erratically.

My stomach feels uneasy.

My eyes can't see clearly.

I fear rejection.

Yet, I'm trying to entreat the strength to face you.

To try to win you over again, and .....

Hoping to God it'll be the last, and it'll be something that I can be proud of for the rest of my life.

Something that I can tell to the kids how I ferociously fought to win you again.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Sad, Truly Sad

Dear Missy Natasha,

Looks like someone else beat me to it.

Well, he is in the same profession as you, so I suppose there is a similarity between the two of you.

I feel so sad.

I feel so heartbroken.

I feel so stupid.

I let my devilish desires wrestle my love for you away previously.

Now, I am paying it back, all of it.

Jealous? Yes, I am jealous, vehemontly jealous.

I am a changed man, believe me.

I've learned quite some time ago, that me, being me, will only invite ferocious beasts in me to engulf myself.

Now, I'm slowly eliminating those beasts, and encouraging the better side of me to emerge.

I should get closer to God, and then, only then, will God brighten the way for me to win you over, perhaps?

I really want you, I really do.

Knowing that now you've become a better person, becoming a devout Muslim, carving a great career ahead, makes me wanting you even more.

But I'm not as good as you are.

I'm such a dog.

I'm not a devout Muslim.

Career?

What career do I have other than being a lowly customer service guy?

God! Thinking about all this shows that I am at the bottom of the ladder.

Proves that I am a nothing more than a street mutt.

Ha! A street mutt wanting a lovely princess of the skies?

I'm so sorry, forgive me, forgive this post.

For I always try to accept that I can never achieve what I want in life, but still wants it, all of it.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Oh No!!!!!

Dear Missy Natasha,

I saw a pic of you with another guy sitting beside you. The picture was taken recently, less than a month ago.

To be frank, I was a little taken aback. I'm stammering a bit as I'm typing this.

But I really do want you.

I really do love you. All this while.

You gave me a chance, and I blew it.

But I promise you, I will not let you slip away again.

Please?

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Wrong Day Indeed!

Dear Missy Natasha,

I woke up around 10.30 a.m today, quite a feat since it's been a while I managed to wake up that early! After meeting my friend to pickup some cash at Damansara Uptown, I drove straight on to Shah Alam.

I arrived at the PKNS building, around 12.30 - 12.45pm. Went for a walk to SACC Mall, to check out prices of vegetables and chicken meat at the Cold Storage outlet there. Afterwards, walked back to the PKNS building and went around to see if there are any florists around. There were 2 - 3 of them, all on the lower ground. But it seems that all of them are only manned by one person!

Now that might be a small problem for me!

Afterwards, called your office. I forgot that you'll be having your graduation! The person who picked out the call informed me that you'll be away for today [ Tuesday ] and tomorrow. Looks like I can only do it this coming Thursday then.

Would you believe it that my heart was thumpign erratically throughout the whole time I was around the PKNS building? Even now my tummy fells funny whilst I'm typing this.

But again, I'm about 99% sure that either you will shrug me off, or worse, tell me you already have someone else. I would find it hard to believe, for a person like you, to be single for long.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Missing One Who Is Not There

Dear Missy Natasha,

I am missing someone.

Someone who isn't there in the first place.

Someone who doesn't know that I'm missing her.

Someone who, most probably, will give me a slap on my face.

Someone who, most probably, have deleted my phone number from her phone.

Someone who, most probably, have forgotten who I am, who may have erased me from her memories.

God, I feel like a loser.

I know what I hope for, is something that will never happen.

Something that will never materialise, at all.

Thinking about that, saddens me greatly.

Forcing me to have the fact right smack in front of me, of all the mistakes and sins that I've done to your all these years.

Mistakes and sins that I never learn of, and only realising about it when it was already too late.

Mistakes and sins that I am now paying for, disgracefully.

How I long to be given the chance, to show the new me.

How I long to be given the chance, to prove just how much I've changed.

How I long to be given the chance, to shower you with appreciation, care and love.

How I wish I can live in a life of dreams, dreams that are of mine entirely.

Alas, all is now undone.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

What Are You Up To?

Dear Missy Natasha,

My oh my!

What are you up to my dear Missy Natasha?

I'm sure you're watching the UEFA Cup finals right now. If I'm not wrong, you do support Manchester United. I do too! He he! I hope MU will win the UEFA Cup.

I really must muster my strength to wake up the latest, 10.00 a.m tomorrow morning!

I'm on my way home in about 5 minutes. I do wish that you'll be asking God to wake me up by 10.00 a.m, so that those three stalks of sunflowers will arrive at your desk tomorrow by lunchtime!

Later,
AY_Natasha

Woke Up Late And...

... missed my own timing schedule again today. Ahhh shucks!

Dear Missy Natasha,

I actually woke up around 10.00 a.m today. If, and only if, did I force my lazy - arse body to wake up, I would have managed to arrive at the PKNS building before lunch hour, and would have been successful in buying a bouquet of three stalks of sunflowers [ you might ask why? I'll explain later. ], and may have also managed to coax the florist to deliver it by hand to your office.

But I woke up around 11.00 a.m instead.

But, I wonder, could I be the first? No, I do not think so.

The first bouquet of flowers to arrive for you at your office? I seriously doubt that.

For a person as stunningly beautiful, gorgeously intelligent, and fantastically patient as you are, would have acquired more than just bouquets of flowers from men.

I feel like a loser now. I know that my efforts will go down the drain, but still I coerce myself to go for this quest of love, that will definitely fail.

How stupid men can be when it comes to love eh?

Women get it so easy, they get to choose and not go hunting for one.

Women only have to sit, pretty themselves up [ in any and all ways imaginable ] wait, and choose.

Missy Natasha, I'm so sorry for now I am lamenting about myself the loser here in the dedication for you. Forgive me, for I will do this again and again.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Thinking Of You...

Dear Missy Natasha,

I've been thinking about you. A few times today, in fact.

Are you at home?

Are you busy?

Are you lonely?

Are you having fun, enjoying the latest movie with your boyfriend?

That last word I typed really sends a shiver to my spine.

What if after I've done everything that I have planned for quite some time....

....you tell me this : I'm so sorry, but I'm already taken.

The fear of rejection is very high.

Heck, I'm having goosebumps whilst I'm typing this.

Later,
AY_Natasha.

Surprise!

Dear Missy Natasha,

I've bought something for you on the 2nd of May 2008.

I've wanted to give it to you earlier, but to be frank, I'm so afraid to do so.

Why?

Because :

1. You might just decline it.

2. You might take it, but then will soon return it back to me [ not in front of your office mates, your friends or your immediate fmaily members ].

3. You might take it, but never open the box and keep it that way for a very long time.

4. You might take it, unwrap the box, and then re - wrap the gift in a different packaging and give it to somebody else.

Yes, I sound very - very foolish with these words, but I feel so insecure. With all the mistakes I've done to you in the past, with all the mistakes I've done in front of you all these while, all of these weaken my strength to win you over.

Oh yes, I really want to win you over. But how can I do so, when I do not even have the guts to even send you a text message to your mobile phone?

Later,
AY_Natasha

Thoughts...

Dear Missy Natasha,

I've been thinking about you again.

I've thought about driving to Shah Alam tomorrow and send you a surprise bouquet of flowers [ three stalks to be exact! ].

But a friend of mine popped my dreamy ballon off, by reminding me that tomorrow is a public holiday.

Oh well, maybe the next day then.

My heart is beating frantically as I'm typing this. Sheeesh!

I'm so afraid of rejection.

I know, deep down in me, that the probability of rejection is going to be on the high side.

But now I've truly realised that you are the diamond in the rough.

Just waiting to be picked up, thoroughly cleaned up and be given a deep polish to bring out the gleaming, deep shine a diamond like you should always have.

I know, coming from me, those words are just plain foolish.

Oh, how I want you to see that I've changed for the better!

Later,
AY_Natasha

Dedication [ Of Sorts! ].

Dear Missy Natasha,

It's been so long since we've had a chat.

I've missed you dearly.

I really want to have a chat with you.

But sadly I know that you will not pick up your phone when you see my number on the screen.

Or do have you deleted my number too?

Later,
AY_Natasha.